Random (R)etchings 2

Well, if you have listened to the news for the past few days, you will realize that the Left and the Congress are up to their old tricks again. Yes, the Left is doing what it does best that is stalling progress and the Congress is also doing what it does remarkably well – Holding on to Power. I have lost all respect for MMS. Not that I had any in the first place, but what the heck, I can’t deride the Prime Minister of my country can I? All said and done the man does not have a modicum of self respect. He reminds me of Mamta Bannerjee. They believe in the same motto- - Threaten to resign if you think, the public is not seeing you in a good light. While Mamta was a master at it, poor MNS can’t seem to get a hang of it. He threatened to resign over the nuclear deal, about six months ago, and a few days back, according to unsubstantiated reports he wanted to do so again. One question? If he cares so much about his reputation and his own beliefs then why the vacillation. Just resign? The only answer that comes to my mind is that he isn’t as innocent and honorable as the public thinks he is. He loves the trappings of power and who knows, he might even enjoy being Sonia Ji’s ‘Man for All Seasons’.

I think the public at large, even the doodhwala, knows what’s going to happen. The Congress doesn’t want elections, neither do its allies. So, they are going to wait. They will try to pull the wool over the public’s eyes. Wait till there isn’t enough time for the US Congress to pass the agreement. That’s about it. Everybody happy. India’s energy future goes for a toss; and all for a bunch of Chinese Agents. Or is it? Yes. I know. There is no proof that the Left is in any way kow-towing to their masters in Beijing, but what they are doing is, they are giving people like us, food for thought. Chinese Food. However, looking at their waning popularity in West Bengal, I think the Left’s days are numbered. I long for a day when I don’t see a snickering Prakash Karat on television.

Well, every other week, news channels flash the newest inflation rate. Then, in a bid to show how badly, families are affected by it, they show a housewife, usually fat, boring, and with a cloth bag, out shopping for vegetables and other necessities. You know the drill. They do this all the time. There is no change. Housewife and vegetables. They can have a Bingo Ad on it… Great Combination or something… Why can’t they change the routine? Show them buying chicken or something. That would be Different. The camera following the housewife into a butcher shop. Blood and gore… Bhaiisaab chicken kitne kay diya….. X Rs…itna mahenga…madam inflation….. think hai 1 kilo dena… Slam.. the reporter trying to air her repetitive views with the man cutting chicken in the background. Gross but will make good copy. India TV should try that one.

Oh here something funny. The finance secretary or somebody, when asked, as to why is this rate shooting up, answered that, they have calculated that the average inflation rate till 2012 will be 9%. So need no need to worry? Can you beat that? No I don’t mean the inflation rate, but the answer. Who the hell is asking for an average rate? I don’t want to know what the rate is going to be 5 years from now; I want to know why it is so high now? Well, actually, I don’t, but its fun to see the flustered faces of our babus. They look like cornered goats. They don’t know what to answer or how to answer. I don’t understand. Why can they just say the truth and be done with it. It’s symptomatic of a situation wherein, the population of developed countries now has money. Money that they spend buying food, clothes, etc. Production cannot satisfy the demand. Simple. I know it’s not that simple but, it’s something like that… In all fairness, the FM did say something like that, but it didn’t go down to well. He changed his tune after that.

What else, other than the fact that I have got a painful mouth ulcer. So what happens is when I attempt to talk, I sound like Sharad Pawar. I know I shouldn’t make fun of his condition, but the thousands of farmers who have committed suicide since the time he became the agriculture minister, wont mind. The joke’s for them.

So here’s the deal, we have an inept PM, Finance Minister, high rate of inflation, Chinese intrusions in Sikkim, … much more… so what is there to look forward to. Let see... Lots of things come to mind… the Euro 2008 semis… the PM actually going ahead with Nuclear Deal…my ulcer disappearing… that’s about it I guess. Not a lot. Forgive me. I was wrong.

Oh, I forgot. Who gets the award for the Indian Icon of the Month?

You got it right! My old friend, Colonel Bainsala! You know why. Did you see that picture in which he is shown saluting Vasundhara Raje. It was so funny.

De Taali

How can you review a movie that you have decided to see on the spur of the moment, because you had nothing better to do? More importantly, one that you have seen, sitting in the first row! Difficult task, I know; but I want to give it a try. So here goes.

De Taali is the latest offering by Eshwar Niwas; this is how the name appears in the credits, I think the director thought that this movie would get his career back on track, and therefore people should know his full name. He earlier credited himself as E. Niwas. Get my drift. Now, if my memory serves me right, the director’s other offerings include Shool, Love ke Liye Kuch Bhi Karega, Dum, and Bardasht. While, Shool and Love Ke Liye Kuch Bhi Karega were largely appreciated by the critics and audience alike, the others sank without a trace. I am one of minuscule few, who liked ‘Dum’ but that’s another story.

You cannot slot ‘De Taali’. It’s not a comedy, neither is it a romantic movie. Therein, lies the problem. The confusion within the script which is translated onto the big screen and you really don’t know what to make of it. The promos on TV give you the impression, that the movie is fun with large dollops of comedy. Hmm.. After a lot of thinking, and comparing the promos with the whole movie, I do think the promos claim is misplaced. The movie is a little bit of fun, with very few comic moments.

De Taali is a story of three friends, Paglu ( Ritesh Deshmukh), Amu ( Ayesha Takia) and Abhi ( Aftab Shivdasani) who while away their time, partying, pubbing, shark riding ( I don’t know, if I want to know what this is) and of course doing everything else apart from working. Along comes another character, Kartika, who loves Abhi, more so, his money; and the movie is all about how the other two try to keep her away from their friend. There is a love angle, thrown in for good measure and you have the crux of the movie in a nutshell. As you can see, there is no semblance of a story and whatever there is, is not good. More importantly, the screenplay of the movie, is not taut and portions of the movie just drag on; especially the second half.

The only time when you really laugh or smile, is when Paglu, kidnaps Rimi Sen (Kartika) and tortures her. That’s just a 5 minute sequence and this takes care of the comedy in the movie. Nothing else in the movie is overtly funny. Now, when you are sitting in the front row, the visuals just stand out! You notice things that you might not notice, if you are sitting a few rows in the back. Well, the one stand out feature was Rimi Sen and her thighs. For god sakes, what was she thinking? She will put some of the world footballers to shame. She has tried to don the avatar of hot and sexy manipulator and though her face is good, everything else is in pretty bad shape. She is plump, towards the fatty side and her thighs stand out as the symbol of her fat content. Please don’t castigate me for going on and on about her thighs, but whenever she was on screen, all I could see was that part of her body, as I was in the front row. They enveloped the screen. Alright, enough about her; let’s get to the acting bit.

Now let me be very frank here. Anybody who is going to see this movie should only go because of Ritesh Deshmukh. He and comedy are synonymous and thus people might think about watching this movie. Nobody is going to watch it for the other three actors. Well, as the lovable ‘Paglu’ he is pretty good. He is great in the minimal comedy scenes in the movie and overall his performance is up to the mark; nothing extraordinary but worth a watch. Aftab is passable and what’s more he has nothing better to do in the movie, other than having a serious and shattered look on the face. Now, I don’t know if anybody else has noticed it, but the guy look a bit under the weather. He looks like he is coming off a long illness or something. But that’s neither here nor there. Ayesha Takia does justice to her role and looks………..thin. Yes, the fatty is actually thinning; or is it the affect of Rimi Sen being in the movie. Anybody would look thinner then her.

On the whole, it’s the four characters that make the movie ‘watchable’. It’s they who try and hold the tattered scrip and screenplay together. That’s about it. If you are a discerning viewer then avoid the movie at all costs. Don’t waste your hard earned money. However if want to watch a movie, for want of anything better to do, then you might just think about going for this one. Just don’t expect to come out with a feeling of money well spent.

I Feel Guilty.....

Have you been assailed by this continuous feeling of guilt? I have.

I look at the beggars on the street, kids specially, and I feel guilty I can’t do anything for them. At one point of time, I had decided that I am not going to give them money, if they beg me for it, but more often than not, the guilt factor takes over, and I hand over a rupee or two to them. You know it’s funny. I feel compassion for what they must be going through, but I feel anger, if they touch me. I wonder. This is hypocrisy right.

I really do not understand this disgusted reaction to a beggar kid touching your person. He or she is actually just touching your shirt or pant, but most of us react in a horrible manner. I have seen some people hit out at these small kids. Till date I haven’t, but who knows. You know what…. I think most people offer beggars, kids or otherwise, money, because they feel guilty. They feel embarrassed looking at all the poverty around them, and think that they can get away with putting a 1 rupee coin in the hands of these kids. Yours truly included.

I know what the arguments against this frame of thought are. If you give these kids money, you are actually giving them an incentive for begging and so on and so forth. But c’mon can’t we spare a rupee? Ok, another thing. What can I do? Join a social service organization to help the destitute? This is when, the cynic in me, comes forth. Will I be able to make a difference? I know, the answer here is, I will. But, my mind starts procrastinating and creating reasons for not contributing my time and effort to really do something worthwhile. Believe me people; cynicism has an answer for everything. Its quite rich actually, I begin to picture myself in a scenario, wherein, I do join some organization, which helps these kids to turn their life around. But, won’t I feel frustrated and irritated if I find that I am not able to make a quantifiable difference. Yes, hilarious isn’t it? Here, I haven’t done anything, and I am already looking for ways to back out, in case I do something! Explain that one to me.

In the end, I think it’s this overall cynicism that breeds guilt. I really don’t know whether I am making any sense or not, but I might not feel as guilty, if I do something constructive. But then again, I really don’t want to do it, because I don’t think it will be worth my time and effort. It’s all a cycle. Here’s something else. I don’t want to go and help these kids, because I feel guilty. I want to do it, with an empathetic heart. Is that possible, here again is the problem. Till that time, I will keep giving them a rupee or two, that’s infinitely easier. I have learnt to live with my guilt.

Now if you have even deemed it fit to read so far, here is another one. Traffic rules! I can say with pride that I have never broken a traffic rule in my life. Hmm alright, maybe a few times. But that’s about it. Now do you people know those white lines that we come across, near a traffic signal. I think they are called zebra crossing, but anyways, according to the traffic rule book, you need to halt your vehicle, before these lines. Yes, it might come as a shock to you, but you need to. However, who does that? Not in Baroda they don’t. And here’s the thing people….. even the police have given up. They don’t care anymore. A long time back somebody had told me about this rule. However, I really didn’t give it too much importance, but whenever I stopped my vehicle on the white lines I felt guilty. I knew I was breaking a rule. But, I didn’t want to go back, for fear of getting angry glares from people around me. Well, here’s what I did. One fine day I decided, I am going to stick to that rule. Others be damned. Now the problem, is with the kind of haphazard traffic around me, it gets really very difficult for me to adhere to the rule. God Knows, I have tried enough. So, it’s iffy at best. I might be able to stand before the zebra lines, but might just be forced to stand on it. This is when I start to feel guilty. What I really want to do is, swear at the people forcing me to break the rule and tell them what the rules are. I want to rant and shout and prove my point. I remember a day, when I had done that. No, I didn’t shout or rant or get angry or anything, I politely told somebody who was honking away to glory, that I could not go any further, because it was against the rules. But, I never did again, I guess, I grew tired of it after the first time. I think it’s better to feel guilty, rather than having an argument that is futile at best. You can change yourself, but you can’t even hope to change the people around you. After all, what is the traffic policeman there for? It’s his job not mine.

Anyways, I better end my guilt ridden trip here; there are many more things that I feel guilty about, but I am sure you people would not relish the parts of a confessor. So I end here, to begin another guilt trip, some other time.

Random (R)etchings

Finally, the Gujjars have been accorded 5% special reservation. I also have added the word Gujjars to my word dictionary. Two great events! Alright, the second pales in significance to the first. But, just about. So, we all knew that, this was going to happen. After all Colonel Kirori Singh Bainsala had not only held the State of Rajasthan but also the whole of India for ransom.

I wonder if I could ever be able to pull off, such a feat. In India, its all about getting together a group of like minded people, who have no qualms about burning State property, laying siege to rail tracks and of course, killing a few innocents. Oh yes, you need a selfish and personal cause, to sell to the people. After that, you demand your ransom. Any idiot would see that, if the Colonel succeeded, then there are lots of people out there who are going to say, “Hey Me Too”. That’s all about Mr Bainsala, who is fast attaining cult status. Here’s hoping he doesn’t disappear into the sands of Rajasthan, but continues burning State property, for the good of mankind or specifically ‘hiskind’.

Harman Baweja, heard about him? Yes, that horsey looking guy, who for some reason or the other is being compared to Hritik Roshan. Well, he’s got his PR guys to feature him of the front page of the TOI supplement and NO he does not talk about his insipid looking movie, Love Story 2050, but he gives an interesting nugget of information. He and Priyanka Chopra are just friends, nothing more! Four Words. Who the Hell Cares? No but, Harman does. He wants to keep his so called fan following interested, right. He needs to be in the news. How does he that? Well with the most common cliché in show business, “We are Just Friends.” Whenever I look at Priyanka Chopra I am reminded of an emaciated pig. No really. Even her nickname is ‘Piggy Chops’. There must be reason for that!

Alright, next up is our very own Man of a Thousand Controversies, ‘Sreesanth”. Who is he? The guy who got slapped by Harbhajan; or was it punched. The guy who can shed a tear, better than Kapil Pa Ji. He got into an argument with the staff of a Bangalore Hotel owing to some faulty air conditioning in his room. The icing on the cake and this is according to one of the best news channels of Independent India, ‘India TV” is that he blackmailed one of the hotel staff for ’30 thousand dollars’. Don’t ask why? You don’t demand understanding from whatever crap is showing on India TV. Don’t even ask me why I was watching it? It’s like Manoj Night Shyamalan’s, quote on ‘The Happening”, ‘Don’t Ask Questions”. Well Mr. MNS we didn’t and I guess you didn’t ask questions of the script either.

What else, apart from the fact that its two days for the weekend. I really dread weekends, there is nothing to do. Absolutely nothing! I might just go and catch one of my favorite actors, Edward Norton, in action as the incredible hulk. However, it’s going to be a special effects extravaganza, and wont showcase Norton’s acting skills. Well that’s it then! I know it’s a crappy post, what do I do? I had this crap in my mind and I just wanted to get it out of my system.

Depression

For the past few days, I find myself slowing traveling down the darkened tunnel of depression. It’s quite funny actually; depression is hard to resist. It has an allure that maybe happiness does not have. It’s inexplicable really, but there you have it. I know, I am getting depressed, and there is nothing I want to do about it. I want to wallow in it, and I want to be miserable.

I really don’t like to blame anybody for my state of the mind. I want to have the egotist satisfaction of being the sole person responsible for my depression. For me depression is a mixture of various abstract entities and thoughts. Its sadness, mixed with the desolation of the mind and at another end it’s the need to keep oneself occupied with action for the fear of life coming to a standstill for a few days.

I feel angry and hurt at the same time. The problem is; I really don’t know what has resulted in the onset of these symptoms. You know I have heard people say depression is a bad thing. However, I would like to put a spin on this statement. For me, more often than not depression is a good thing. It’s almost like a cleansing ritual that I go through. For a period of a few days, all my darkest thoughts, which were simmering in my subconscious, are brought to the fore, and I need to mull over them. I take time out to analyze those thoughts and destroy those thoughts. I try to sift through my layers of discontent and arrive at a point of focus, which then helps me live my life better, and do my job better, till the next bout of depression strikes.

For me, depression is like an emetic. You get the negativity out of your system and concentrate on the positive aspects of your life. I think that everybody should go through it. It makes one appreciate one’s lot a lot better. The sole problem that I have with the whole concept of depression is that it takes a toll on your time. You work gets affected and I don’t know about anybody else, but I move around in a daze.

I am a gastronome and love food. When I am depressed I can make do with my unappetizing Tiffin. See what I mean, I really don’t care one way or the other, what’s going into my stomach. And, that my dear friend, for me, is the biggest disadvantage of a depressive mood -A marked indifference for what I like. It’s only about what I dislike.

I wouldn’t want you think that I suffer from chronic depression. I think all of us go through these bouts and take away something specific from it. I try to do the same. From the dark tunnel of depression I steal away, a bright light, which was hidden amongst layers of gloom.

My Bitch’s Poo and Other Things

I have a dog, a bitch actually. I have always called my dog a bitch. After all, you need to give due respect to the gender. However, there are quite a number of people who avoid calling my dog a bitch. “Dog a bitch” – That’s not right is it. Well how about this “My bitch a bitch.

Thank god I didn’t have her, when I was in nursery or some such grade where you are asked to write a few words on your pet. How would I have begun “I have a bitch, her name is Tulip”. A phone call to my mom or dad “Madam Your Son, Needs help with his diction”, He has learnt words that he must not use, and hence must unlearn them

Tell me people? Why does the word “Bitch” command such a pejorative connotation? C’mon, I simply refuse to change the gender of my pet. It’s a BITCH. Got It. A BITCH! All right, now that I have got that out of the way, let me go on the road that all pet lovers take. The Singing of paeans Dedicated to their Pets. Hmm, I am not too much of a poetic sort, more of the prose sort actually. So won’t bring tears to your eyes with the soppy, mushy…… ode to the Pet.

Now, firstly let me do away with the BITCH thingy and just caller her by name – Tulip. She is intelligent. You know what, intelligence is a funny thing. Here is an example. I have tried for hours on end to get her to recognize the command ‘SIT’. She has never for once answered my command. I ask her to ‘SIT’ and she stares at me as if I have gone nuts or something. She does her own thing. I don’t want to sound like a male chauvinist, you know what… but it’s a bit demeaning right…. I always wonder. What if it was a dog? Would he have ‘SAT.” Well anyways, along comes a neighbor, a friend of the family etc, and commands Tulip to “SIT”. And guess what? She bloody sits. The comment “She is pretty intelligent”? Well, trained! “Hmmmm…. Yes that she is” “And I am an Idiot”

Look at the situation here! I think that the ‘the sitting bit’ was bit of a fluke, but the guest does not think so! I can be as nit-picky as I like about her command recognition, but I have no doubt in my mind that in her tinsy winsy head is the brain of a genius. If she wants something (usually something that the doctor has strictly forbidden us to give her) she targets the most vulnerable of all the options (people) at her disposal. If that does not work, then she has this peculiar stare. That innocent and pitying stare that usually melts our hearts, and she usually ends up getting the butter.

She also knows the perfect people to scare. Yes, Scare! She has her own bit of fun with them. So, when the neighbor’s boy rushes down the steps, our girl is in the balcony, ready to startle him, with her deep throated bark. Nine times out of Ten, she is successful. She picks her targets carefully. She has a special sort of bark on these occasions; which starts with a growl, goes through the woofs and ends with what I can make out is a chuckle.

Then there is the Uncle upstairs, who is scared of dogs. I and Tulip usually encounter him in the mornings, when I take her out to do the needful. Though he takes a wide trajectory, she still manages to make her mark. She is beautiful. Military strategists take note.

All right here is the scene. From the corner of her eyes she espies the man approaching. She shows no reaction, goes about her business, smelling here and there. The only indication that she is getting ready to have her bit of fun, are the ears. They are perked up, like radars. The man sees her, skirts around, he thinks she is not looking in his direction, so he takes it easy, slowly, slowly , and boom or should we say BARK.

This happens regularly. The Uncle mumbles something in Telugu, I guess it would go on the lines of ... ok lets leave that alone. I say a perfunctionary NO, in mock anger, and life goes on.

I won’t say anything more on the intelligence quotient. I think she is, So there.. Anyways, as a pet owner, I never imagined that a large part of the dog’s health is dictated by the poo. Shit is the exact word here, but let’s call it poo. Tulip does not eat, give the poo a glance. The reason will be clear! She shows some symptoms that do not look healthy, yes you got it right, check her poo. If it’s black, then there is something wrong with the kidney, if its invisible then she has constipation and so on and so forth.

When she comes back from her walk, the question usually is, did she do anything? It’s like an event. No, I mean really! If Tulip poos when she is taken out, there is a sense of satisfaction. Why? Well, the reason being, for most of her formative years, she was in the habit of using the balcony as an area to take out the indigestible paraphernalia. She learnt to use the natural environs quite late in the day. Therefore, the jubilation when she poos.

There are times when I am really egging her on with all the mental energy at my disposal. Do it. Do it. Just Do it. Why you might ask? Well, you won’t find the situation so funny, if you are woken up at around six in the morning, by a cacophony of shrieking barks or your face being licked rigorously. I wake up; take her out and for what? For me the equation is pretty simple – Loss of sleep should equal lots of Poo. Only then is the waking up, justified.

This reminds of an interesting and funny habit that she had. Interesting and funny for me; not so for my mother. When she was a year or two old, she had a habit of pissing on the bed. Yes, it used to get my mother mad. It was like a race against the finishing line. Tulip takes a running jump on the bed. I or mom or anybody else running to get her off the bed… and more often than not Tulip emerged the winner. At times there was a kind of photo finish, however, in this case also, we were the losers. You can imagine why!

Well, I gotta go! I got to take her out for a walk and to poo. Wish me luck!!!